Sundial: a birthday poem

Sundial

Life is waiting;

It’s looking forward,

Staring into the sun,

A kind of hopeful blindness

Leading you on

Until,

At some point,

When the sun has somehow

Moved about the sky,

You find yourself looking away,

Looking backwards

Towards the better prospect,

Or looking down at that inkblot,

That personalized Rorshach test,

Your slope-shouldered gnomon

Has cast at your feet, knowing
That if you block the light
You will see the shadow,

Wondering when pareidolia

Slipped into apophenia.

And you’re waiting still,
For an eternal everywhere,
For an eternal nowhere, 

Beginning to understand 
What only too soon will come

Like a gathering cloud
To eclipse your sun.

Looking backwards, a poem, a rant

Rant

Hindsight is a curse, heaping its miserable

I-told-you-so crumbs onto the empty platter:

The dry leftovers of an apocryphal life –

An inedible and an immoveable feast,

Beyond the cutlery of invective and prayer.

And what we now know?  The leg irons

Of a slaver’s ship that rub raw at the present;

The back-breaking day after day taking us nowhere

But to the future, with its inevitable failure -

A foresight so cheap it beggars belief.

And what god is this to listen to

Such puling disaffection? Cloth-eared

And cloth-capped, relentlessly pushing his bike

Up the hill so we can freewheel it back

Down into the valley of shadows, jeering.

What a broken toy it is to toy with us so:

The not knowing, then knowing; and how

You have to pass it on, this hand-me down

Life, this second-hand go!  It’s all torn 

And holed! 

                    Yet, it will smother your beauty.

Forgive me,

                      forgive me,

                                           forgive me.    

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Holding on? Or letting go? A poem

Sedimentation

The years accumulate,

Are stacked and packed

Onto shelves that bend

With the weight that

Selves can barely bear;

Each volume printed,

Indexed, the pages uncut,

Stored against time,

In the library of us,

Undusted,

As if we could be read,

Could read, would read,

The diary we would keep,

Were there time,

Time to retreat, to start again.

And Time’s bending in the river’s flow:

The silted corners,

The stagnant oxbow lake,

The tributaries turned to backwater

Rush by now, glimpsed;

And all that fear and hope

Kicking against the current

That’s pulling us out to sea.

And what to say?

Tongue swollen with a brackish discontent

And life’s failures a wishbone in the throat.

The floods and droughts:

The ink running from the page,

Fading in the sun.

The time, the time …

The mind flails,

Swimming in the deep water of itself,

Or beached upon its own desolate shore.

Each day now begins blank, unwritten,

And closes so.

Each night the detritus settles, thickens,

And flowing slows.

And death opens its black, toothless mouth -

A lipless, estuary-wide smile -

And yawns.

Dark Atlas, poem

Dark Atlas

A map’s been nailed to the four corners of a round table.

There’s a key; there’s a scale; there are symbols:

Figures in a landscape, a path to follow;

Birds taking flight: an eagle, a swallow.

There is a route marked in red -

A river like an artery that has bled

Over mountain and forest to the ocean

Of our unknowing: a feeling, a prehension.

And somewhere in the dark atlas of the mind

Is the conceit in the relief of a journey that is signed.

The Reader of Oneself, a poem on hope and loss

Ex libris

Browsing on the bargain shelf …

A school book anthology whose leaves

Thickened the dust on the shelves

Of adolescent minds in Tottenville High,

Staten Island 7, N.Y.

I see cheerleaders – rah-rah skirts,

Thighs as pink, as firm, as prosthetics.

I see jocks, jaws as square as photo-fits,

Lettermen strutting in their varsity jackets,

Their skin a size too small for their musculature,

Their minds gripped by the image of pudenda clutched

In taut white panty-gussets; Feminine rime

Grinding against the masculine scheme.

Such urgent, relentless desires:

Dreams scored in flesh and fire.

Turned cold now.  Lost your bottle;

Hope’s sunk like a ship scuttled.

Doctors now, teachers, fathers and mothers;

Or drug addicts, alcoholics, death-row murderers.

And the poetry’s mostly gone from our lives,

The lust too, though, maybe, some love survives,

And for those who moved on, who were dauntless,

Perhaps, they’ve acquired some rhythmic, prosaic happiness.

… I reveal something cheap about myself. 

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The self and the other, a poem

In the last poem, Imago, there was the idea of a second self, a pure self - an alter ego, a possibility awaiting realisation: the voice in our head that speaks to us of us.
It is a fiction, of course - the story of us that we tell ourselves - an apocrypha, a shadow on the wall of our cave.

Second Coming

He was a long time coming,

A hard time we had of it:

Climbing the mountain took his childhood,

The summit never in view, always over

The next rise; the deferral of arrival.

Swimming the ocean found him struggling

To keep his head clear of the waves

That rolled over him, yet pushed

Him forward while the undertow

Pulled at his tired, aching limbs,

Leaving him washed up on the shore

Of middle-age.

The desert crossing was death:

The scenery unchanging and endless;

The heat dried him out,

The thirst was memory –

Unquenchable and imprecise.

And at night the chill broke his bones;

The swallowed sun shattered to a myriad stars,

Each one a candle his breath couldn’t reach,

A thousand birthday wishes he could no longer make.

Yet finally they went out, not of a sudden,

But one by one by one by one …

The darkness reaching back,

Stretching ahead.

He had always been a long way off,

Too far back to catch up,

And I’d lose sight of him,

For years … out of mind.

Then I’d see him, distant and dim,

Dwarfed by the mountain,

Or bobbing like a cork;

Swimming in the heat haze,

Or shimmering with the cold.

Then, finally, not quite erased,

He’d disappear again,

And I’d wonder if he’d’ve recognised me,

Or I him; We’d travelled so far.

The day he passed me by,

I was certain it was him,

But I couldn’t call out.

How sure his step was;

How I envied his glide, his grace.

How could I have doubted him?

Why should he not leave me behind?

Stepping over the divided line.

The world, after all, was his:

The mountains, the seas, the deserts.

There is darkness in the jungle.

God will not tread here:

The trees do not believe,

And the fruit ripens in the mouth.

I lift my snout from the muddied puddle,

Sniff the air, and scenting danger,

Scuttle back to my burrow.

 

There was so much to say,

And yet when I found him

Shivering in my dimly-lit cave,

Flickering like a candle flame,

Our shadows made monstrous

On the damp walls,

Our breath mixed and condensing,

The light simply went out.

We were extinguished, Plato.

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